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From 1980 till 1984 I was in Prison, in Tehran, Iran.      Written: 2nd May 2006

Still I suffer from my teeth that the torturer broke in the investigation period.
And still my right-ear, I have problem hearing.  
They kicked it hard, it was bleeding  and it was damaged.
My crime was writing a theater play.
The theater play that I wrote was against war and killing innocent people.
I as an artist  had the question: “ WHY?”
The play was not published or staged.
The spies or guards of the Islamic Regime had found the only “Typed” version that I had.
I was not actually member or supporter of any political groups.
I was only an artist.
A playwright- theater director- photographer-teacher!
But I oppose every dictatorship.
And I am still opposing any dictatorship in the world.
I could say that in that time I was the only person in prison by the crime of writing!

But in the time Islamic regime was wildly arresting and killing thousands of people
that had said a single word against the regime.
And thousands of members and supporters of political groups were arrested and executed.
Each day the regime was executing more than one hundred.
In our cells we could hear the killing-shootings.
The killing mostly took place on the hills around the Jail in Tehran.
Each day between 4p.m. - 5 p.m.  there were their ceremony of executing.
Every day we could hear around 200 hundreds executing-shootings.
And the same at  midnight.
After 3 years I was released from jail in 1984.

But after 20 years of being released, still at least once a week,
I have nightmare about being in jail in Iran.
The nightmares have different events.
But all are in Iran and behind Iron bars.
Sometime I am in the streets of Tehran, but the whole city is blocked with Iron-bars.
And I have no way to get away.
Sometime I am in a park in Tehran, and from all the trees there are hanging young people.
All around the park are walls and iron bars!
I am tied to a tree and my mouth is shut with a piece of cloth. And so on.

Last night, Monday 1st May/to Tuesday 2nd  May -2006, I had a strange nightmare.
I had a bother “Mehdi”. He was 3 years older than me.
He died in a car accident in Iran in 2001.
I and my elder brother Mehdi were in jail in Tehran.
There were thousands people, men and women in our cell-room.
I couldn’t count them but I could see the faces.
The number was huge. It continued till the horizon.
And the whole place was blocked with walls, barbed wires and iron-bars.
It was a small cell-room.

The guards of the prison replaced me and my brother to another cell.
We had to be executed.
We must wait there till dawn and than be executed at dawn.
My mother was waiting outside the prison looking at us.
(My mother died in 1997.)
The night mare took the whole night.  
Waiting in a cell with my brother to be executed.
I could see from the cell that my mother had tears in her eyes.
It has happened for hundreds thousands mothers in Iran
that their children have been executed.
When I woke up, I could still feel the shadows of the Iron bars
around my bedroom in Holland.
It took few minutes for me to came out from this nightmare
and I saw that I am in Holland.  
When I really was awake,  I couldn’t do anything.
But I had still pain in my soul and I had a strange feeling.
I felt that today I had to go to photograph  one single tulip.
It was a red tulip in a park in Purmerend –Holland.
I had made photos of her last year “2005”.
In that park, there was only one red Tulips aside the black iron bars near a tree.
In 2005 I made photos of her. (I call that red tulips as HER not IT !)
Last week I was looking at the tulips in the gardens of people and I remembered her.
Can she grow up again from her own bulb in that park?
With such idea, On Friday 28 April I passed along the park looking for her.
Yes!! YES!  She was there, but still a bud-tulip.
I must wait few more days.
But yesterday, Monday1st May was cold, rainy and stormy.
I was scared that the storm would damage her. That park is nearby a high-school.
Place for students poking cigarettes.
Maybe a nutty student picked her and offered her  to his/her girl/boyfriend.  
Today, Tuesday  it was sunny, but some clouds were floating in the sky.
I had a feeling that I must go to make a photo of that unique red tulip behind the black-bars.
Today I had to edit  a video, but I avoided it.
I had to make some phone-calls, but I ignored them.
I had to go to make appointment with the/a doctor for my eyes but I didn’t.
I felt that I had to go to that place to make photo of the tulip.  
I went there. The Red Tulip was there, not harmed.
There were cloud is the sky. I sat on my knees for a long time waiting for the sun.
It really took long time.
The Sun shined, I made a few photos but I was not satisfied.
I had such feeling that something special must happen in the photo.
A student riding his bike, came close and asked  if I am making photo for a newspaper.
I said no. I am not a photo journalist at this moment.
He left.
I was waiting from 1 p.m. till 4.30 p.m.. Nothing has happened.
I have made number of photos of her,  but I couldn’t leave the place.
Sometimes shiny sometimes clouds
I had made some nice photos, but still I was waiting for something.

Many times I told myself: What a crazy superstitious you are!
But I didn’t leave the point.

I was kneeling on the ground, holding the camera, looking and gazing through the visor,.
My feet, my legs, my back, my eyes, my hands …  all were in pain,
But I didn’t moved.
I was thirsty but I couldn’t take my bottle of water from my backpack.
I needed to piss but I couldn’t move.
I was nailed to the ground on that point.
And It was taking more than 3hours sitting in ambush.
For what? I didn’t know.
But I was feeling I should sit there in silence.
Suddenly the sun shinned  and a miracle occurred and arose.
A Lady-Bird sat just at the top point of the Tulip.
In that jiffy of time I felt that is the miracle.
Click, shot the 1st photo as you see.
Then she moved. Click again. The 2nd photo.
Then she moved. Click again and the 3rd photo.
And she flew away. Just that.
And that was it.
I felt relieved.    
I felt all the pains in my body.
But the whole nightmare of waiting to be executed was washed away from my soul.
I felt my brother, Mehdi, is in peace and my mother had a smile.  
I knew I had done the job that I was waiting for.
Still I don’t know what was the links between such nightmare and this lady bird and such
photos.

I closed the camera. With pain in my  body, but satisfaction in my/the soul.
I stood up.
Taking a step was painful after more than three hours sitting.
May eyes couldn’t focus around.
I had to walk very slowly. But again, strong and hopeful.

I know these nightmares will come again.
Millions of Iranian have these horrible nightmare and Daily-Life-Mare regularly .

Wishing Freedom and peace for all.